02 July, 2008

Frogger: Or How I Almost Died


I was on a jaunty walk to Pita Pit on Bulldog Boulevard for a late, late lunch today, when I tasted death for the first time. As I walked closer and closer to the intersection where I needed to cross, I decided to make a bolt for it halfway to the light, as all the cars were stopped at the light on the other side of the road. So, after waiting WAY too long to make a decision, I bolted like the fat Olympian I am and hit the center turn lane right as the light turned green and traffic started moving. In a senior moment, I decided to dodge moving traffic as opposed to stopping in the center lane or turning back like someone with a speck of intellect might have done. As I cleared the first lane of two, I was about to dart in front of a giant GMC Safari van when I decided to look over my shoulder to see if she saw me. She didn't; and in one fluid, idiotic motion, I hop-stepped my way out from in front of her moving vehicle to the side and around the back to the safety of the sidewalk. When she finally saw me, her eye contact told me she was pooping her pants too.
My pride was raped and my cheeks flushed. I walked for but a moment before my MASSIVE sense of embarrassment took over and I fled like a frightened school girl. I ran like I had just woken up from a dream and I really had gone to school completely naked. I ran and I ran until my lungs burned and my back-sweat ran down my butt and pooled into my shoes. But lets be honest, that was all of 30 seconds worth of running.
I headed west into a campus building to escape lingering onlookers and finish off the pee that wasn't already in my pants from almost getting killed. Turns out I didn't pee my pants but I was sweating like a black jungle panther. But I made it. I got lunch and I ate it. I survived. I'm a survivor.

2 comments:

*Kelly* said...

Oh man you kill me Logan! I was laughing so hard reading this, thanks for the smiles! Hey, I was going to tell you that if Kristin wants to come to my book club to talk about "The Host" were meeting this Wednesday the 9th to talk about it. Will you either give me her email and I'll forward the evite, or invite her for me? Thanks, I'd appreciate it, I'd love to see her again!

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