29 March, 2010

What Does This Mean? Is It Supposed To Make Sense?

I liken my life to driving on the freeway in a sub-compact with a commercial sized dumpster welded to my front bumper. It's a familiar freeway--I know the road and which direction I'm headed. But ultimately, I can't see 3 inches past my hood, let alone the sweeping left I'm pretty sure is coming up after the next rest stop. It's heavy, it's big and I'm pushing it. Rather than bringing my baggage along in tow, I push it around blindly. I guess that's what that's supposed to mean.

This isn't a nightmare, it's an analogy that drifted into my brain while I was wide awake. My nightmares are flaccid, far-fetched fantasies that are forgotten before they are finished. It's the prospect of having to live in reality that actually scares me the most.

Elm Street has got nothin' on Main Street when a baby, debt and unemployment are haunting you all day long. Heck, Elm Street looks like Wisteria Lane when compared even to the bloody nightmare taking place on Wall Street these days. But enough with all the streets. I've never even seen Nightmare On Elm Street, because like I said, real life is scary enough.

I've also come to discover that playing Call of Duty does not solve all your problems. Even after 6 hours of pwnage (delivering and receiving) the moment that green Microsoft machine of life turns off, you're problems are still standing there waiting for you to come back and man-handle them.

It's a terrible thing. Frightening even. Logic would tell you that if you run far enough and fast enough, you should be able to escape your problems in life. It's not so. Logic does not apply. But lately, most things in life I come across cannot be solved by logic alone. Or could it be that my logic is faulty? No, that's impossible, I'm always right. Just ask my wife.

Photo by the amazing Glenn Jones

03 March, 2010

I've Got A Beard, You've Got A Beard...IT'S A CLUB!

You want to know why I am awesome? I have a beard.
A beard makes you awesome in many, many social circles and even outside those choice circles, the beard is a respected accoutrement.
I have one. And a mustache. It's one, whole, unified group of hair. Not one of those Backstreet Boys style eyebrow-pencil-beards that look drawn on and require a stylist to maintain. No it's a Man Beard for sure, bordering on Taliban-esque density and bushiness.

If you read my previous post, the manifesto, you'll know that I assume things about myself. But other than assuming that I am likable and funny, I also assume that people who share things in common with me realize or care that they share something in common with me.

For example, when I'm cruising on a motorcycle, it's pretty safe to assume the feeling is mutual. Motorcycle people tend to acknowledge the awesomeness of one another pretty regularly and without complaint. 
With cars though, I have had less success. When I owned a rare 1997 Subaru SVX a few years ago, I would literally chase other SVX owners down, risking life, limb and a clean driving record just to give them a thumbs up or an engine rev. This was disastrous and embarrassing nine times out of ten. I assumed that owning a poor man's exoticar like the SVX meant people cared, but I just ended up making a monkey of myself.

This assumption seems to carry over into the realm of beards too. I feel compelled almost daily to point at fellow beardys, give a thumbs up once I've caught their eye and then stroke my beard to complete the non-verbal picture for them as if to say, "Hey, nice beard sir. I've got one too. Cheers."

But another thing that seems to be true about a vast majority of the bearded masses is that they would probably kill you if you caught their eye and then stroked your beard at them. Think about it. What kid of people have beards?

Ayatollah Khomeini

Osama bin Laden

Theodore Kaczynski (AKA The Unabomber)

Crazy Joaquin Phoenix

Evil Spock 

So it looks like I'm going to need to tone it down a bit or at least keep my delusions of beard-club status to myself because one thing is for sure, I'm not shaving this beard off, no way no how.