31 March, 2008

The Tender Invite

I received a kindly request this evening via text message from a phone number I did not recognize. Unfortunately, I was not able to help this individual out, so I refrained, nay, restrained myself from responding. The message is as follows:

"If you going to get high before work i wanna too"

Thank you Mr./Ms. X in Escondido, California. Let's hope your wireless provider, Pacific Bell Mobile Services, there in San Diego county doesn't find out about this 'lil message. How did I know where you're text came from? Well you can do a telephone number reverse look-up sir/ma'am. Lucky for you I'm too cheap to pay the $4.99 to get your name, address and billing info from the site. So there.

Preemptive Strike Against the Crappy Day/Week/Month

Ok, so I have been traveling with a proverbial thorn in my paw for the last week or so. I have been wearing my pair of jeans with the button up fly and I was shocked when I had a zen moment at the urinal yesterday.
Let me begin by relating a story I heard from an older, more mature friend I met in the missionary training center before I left on my mission. This friend had decided to work the summer selling pesticides one year but as the summer wore on, he grew more and more tired of the daily pavement pounding required to go door to door. So, to remedy his decreasing enthusiasm and desires to quit, he stuck a small stone in his shoe so that when he walked all day, he would notice the annoying pain it caused on the bottom of his foot. Well as the day drew on and he was tired of the heat, the rejection and the work altogether, he would pull the small stone out of his shoe and instantly everything felt better. He walked without pain an the relief was enough to give him the boost he needed to finish each day.
I recalled this story as I was struggling to get my fly open and then buttoned up again in the public bathroom here on campus. I wore the same pants everyday for at least a week and every day when I needed to pee, I would think, "ugh, who designed the button fly? What trouble, what annoyance." And seeing as I already hold my pee to the last moment (see previous post below) I really didnt have a lot of options. Go pee pee, or pee pee on yourself. As I stood there peeing, I thought, "it's about time to rotate pants and since this is my only button fly pair, this upcoming week should be most excellent." That is when I realized I had stumbled upon something great. I had inadvertently been placing a stone in my pants...er, shoe that was causing major discomfort and annoyance. At the simple realization that I wouldnt need to deal with a button fly the next week, my spirits were instantly lifted. So, I propose this tactic as a preemptive strike against a crappy day, week or month that you know is approaching. I have a large application portfolio due on Friday, so my unintended switch from button to zipper has actually made this week much cheerier. My discovery has placed another tool in my arsenal to combat the stresses of life. The arsenal is small, but its growing, and someday, I might have a strong enough army to overcome my own demons. But until then, Ill just stick with the button to zipper fly switch to get me through the day.

Peeing and Dessert

Is holding your pee for a long time like saving dessert for last? Is it like eating all the cereal bits so there is only a lake of tasty marshmallow rafts left over at the end? Is it like nibbling the chocolate off your candy bar, leaving only the innards exposed for consumption? Well is it? Is the sweet treat of a pent up bathroom stop like unto these habits we humans have? Some of use just eat and some of us just pee. But some of us like to save the best for last. So are we practicing restraint and creating an enjoyable finale? Or are we simply increasing the chances of a painful and awkward urinary tract infection?

29 March, 2008

Wireless Freedom

I finally got the battery for my laptop that I ordered almost 2 weeks ago. My old battery went from 100% charge to 0% charge in about 6 minutes. Thats not an exaggeration. It was horrible. But this extended life battery I got seems to be pretty sweet. Ive been running for about 20 minutes and its dropped to 90%. Thats probably a little quick, but we'll see. Actually that about 3 hours of run time if you figure 20 minutes for every 10%. I might need to reset the memory of the battery again by completely discharging and recharging. Either way though, more than 6 minutes will be great.
Anyway, this isnt a clever, funny or exciting post...at least not for you. But honestly, I just wanted to write on my blog, in my underwear, while laying in bed without the power cord plugged in. Thats really what this amounts to. Its basically just a dream I wanted to finally live. Underwear blogging. Its fantastic. Although I did hear that using your computer on your lap will make you impotent. That is NOT a dream I wish to live.

27 March, 2008

Shame On You Logan

Wow, this lack of blogging is really getting out of hand. I swore I wouldn't do this. I swore I wouldn't leave the public wanting. I swore I would be your mana in the desert, but instead I have become that desert; a dry, empty, meaningless expanse of dirt. For that, I sincerely apologize. Let me take my lashings and let us move on.
So, the Activia Challenge is still underway. Apparently I read the name wrong from the beginning, or they changed it on me 'cause I've been saying "ACTIVA" like acteeva, but apparently it's "ACTIVIA" like activeeya. Whatev. I think I'm about 5 days behind though, meaning I haven't eaten their yogurt in about 5 days. It was supposed to be everyday for 2 weeks to see results so I think this experiment is pretty much FUBAR. But whatever. I like yogurt and I hate that children around the world starve everyday, so I will continue to eat everything in sight, furthering my chances of obesity induced diabetes, just so precious morsels of food don't go to waste.
In all, life is going well. I stopped trying to eat healthy a little over a week ago and actually dropped down to the weight I got to when I worked out for 2 weeks straight with my friend Brad. WTF? Then reality struck, the planets fell out of alignment and I changed the batteries in the scale. Crap. Don't try the Beto's, McDonald's and Costa Vida diet, I give you my word it does not work.

18 March, 2008


Ladies and gentleman, I would like to announce that my little sister of 20 years old was accepted to the BYU Marriott School of Business today! It is ranked #7 overall and #1 by business recruiters. Hopefully she will make her millions quickly so I can start mooching off the proceeds. I am very excited for her. If you are able, please contact and congratulate her; she worked very, very hard for this.

15 March, 2008

Humor that Sucks

I learned a life lesson today:

If you are planning on studying in the library for 6-ish hours on a Saturday, DO NOT eat 9lbs of mexican food as a "quick lunch" before you head over. I don't think I need to explain.


13 March, 2008

Bad News About Nuttall's Muffins

If you've been following my digestive problems and the solutions I have pursued to remedy them, you might recall the Activa Challenge and Lauren Nuttall's Bran Muffins. Well, the Activa Challenge is still in the trial stages, but some bad scientific news has come in on Nuttall's Muffins. Here in an excerpt from an email I received on the matter:

hey lauren--

so... i hate to disappoint you, but i did a careful analysis of those bran muffins. i've attached the spreadsheet with the nutritional information. it appears that each muffin only has 3g of fiber and 124 calories. this is actually the same as a piece of whole wheat bread. i was sad when i realized that the muffins aren't contributing an amazing amount towards the daily goal of 25g of fiber. oh well, i'll keep searching for a fiber power house. (although the quaker weight control oatmeal has 6g per packet of oatmeal which is pretty good!)


This is disturbing to say the least. Why? Well first, because someone took the time to calculate the nutritional breakdown of a muffin and second, because these fiber missiles actually work! I consumed only half a muffin and I felt the motions...motioning(?). This leaves only one conclusion about Nuttall's Muffins...they are just gross. The body has no choice but to reject them and the Newtonian pull of gravity provides the easiest path for that rejection. The placebo effect is indeed powerful my friends. I for one have not given up on snake oil, magic globes that clean my laundry, soap made of crystals, copper bands around my wrist or little contraptions that block my cell phone from giving me cancer. I'm a believer and with blind, dogmatic faith comes wisdom.

07 March, 2008

$8,000 of Extorsion and 2 Plane Tickets

Destiny is extorting me and the Mrs. to purchase a new vehicle. The glory and splendor of my Subaru SVX was smeared by $5,000 in auto repairs before we finally sold it. If that weren't enough, Kristen's trusty and lusty Honda CRV broke down the week after we sold the Subaru. After $3,000 in transmission repair (the majority of the SVX repair was transmission as well) we were back on the road in our trusty, lusty 150,000 mile CRV. Well if you've been following the blog or are in any way affiliated with my circle of family, friends, acquaintances or enemies, you'll remember the CRV transmission went out again while Kristen and her sister were down in Vegas exactly 4 weeks ago today. Well thankfully all the work and trouble was covered by our shop that did the original job. If you get a transmission done, make sure its an ATRA shop that can give you an ATRA warranty! God bless, seriously. Thanks to that warranty, we are both flying down to Vegas tonight to pick the car up tomorrow morning and drive it back this weekend. So tack on a good $300 to the "Hell" grand total. Hopefully fate doesn't drug us and beat us with a sack of bricks on the side of the road on the way home. Figuratively of coarse.
So, at this glorious high point in our lives we decide its time to purchase a new form of transport with less miles than the national debt and the amenities that a college grad (wife) and a cool hunk (me) deserve to be seen with.

LOGAN- [on knees, begging humbly toward the heavens.] "Dear big guy, a sunroof and heated seats would be nice. Leather would be a plus too. Maybe third row seating to appease the wife? You think you could bless it with an iPod jack in the stereo too? Now that I think about it, a V6 with 200hp would really be a must..."

06 March, 2008

Multi-Topic Catch-Up Blog Post

Man, the only thing that keeps people coming back for more on your blog is continuously new and clever content. So no wonder no one is flocking to my page. It's like one of those web pages you find that has really exciting news on it you haven't heard before and then you see the date of the last post/update and its like 1998. No wonder you hadn't heard about it, you were busy breaking into the vending machines in high school when it was going on.
Anyway, I had a solid response to my "Tree Falls..." post. Literally tens of you (give or take 9) commented that you were indeed reading my blog and you were indeed interested in what I had to say. You were standing in the proverbial forest as I felled proverbial trees. Thank you. I feel like a proud Ron Paul; everyone pretends to care and be excited, but in the end, I still suck and lose the presidency by trillions of votes.
Well, the Activa Challenge I discussed in a previous post is still on hold. That's right, my gastrointestinal system is still running like bombed out, Soviet nuclear reactor...that is to say, not well. It doesn't help that I'm eating away the stress of shopping for a new car with burgers and tacos. You could probably smell me coming. Now this sucks for me, not so much because of the stomach issues, but because I bought two VERY cool shirts from Super Target (said Tarzhey) a couple months back that don't fit super well right now. Now if I can dodge heart disease, stroke and diabetes, great; but my real concern is fitting into those two, sweeter than sweet shirts.