28 August, 2008

How I Almost Lost My Favorite Finger



I was stung by a bee today. Well that's what everyone else said it was. I'm pretty confident that it was either a Brazilian Wandering Spider that caught a gust of wind, or more likely a small baby dragon. No seriously. If you felt the pain that I felt and cried the way I cried, you would have finished screaming profanities and started looking for baby dragons too.
When I got bit/stung, I turned into that guy; you know, that guy that you see from a distance, screaming and flailing his arms. But seriously, I almost died; what would you expect considering the dire circumstances?
I was walking to go fix a projection system in an adjacent building when I got hit and the first thing I did was call my office and tell the receptionist thank you for sending to me death (she took the call that made me have to go outside.) I told her that I had collapsed in the road on the crosswalk and would possibly need EMS assistance. Thankfully though, I was able to bring it together and finish the job like a brave firefighter or fearless peace officer.
Within seconds of dragging my dying body off the pavement, my finger was so swollen I couldn't bend it. I was afraid of where to carry my hand geographically. Would the dragon/spider/bee venom travel to my heart quicker for a speedier death if I put it above my head? It made my boo-boo feel better when I put it up there, but I didn't want to risk death, so I put it low to ensure a more difficult journey for the poisonous venom.
Job complete, there was nothing more I could do but complain about it and drown my finger in a bowl of cold water. It helped. It really helped. And after four hours, I had beaten death. The swelling and redness began to subside. The numbness and stuffiness dissipated and coworkers stopped complaining about my childish whining. I was cured! Bless the heavens for saving my hand, my life and teaching me a lesson I will never forget: It's dangerous outside. Stay indoors where it's safe.